Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Boat Ramp Etiquette

Boat owners are an interesting lot. Most buy a boat to serve a purpose that fulfills a recreational goal like catching fishes, catching the sun's rays, catching ducks, and catching other things, whatever they may decide to catch. Some people buy boats so that they can allow other people to follow close behind on skis and boards. That's strange. Some people want to catch fish only to put them in an onboard aquarium. Some people just like to boat ride. I love it. I also use my boat to catch ducks. I never, ever fish. If I ever decide to fish, I'll make sure to charter a good captain elsewhere. We'll take his or her boat, and I'll even allow them to bait my hook, and remove any fish that falls victim to the baited hook. Nevertheless, there are no qualifiers for purchasing a boat other than having the liquid assets needed or excellent credit. There is no IQ test. Sure, some states require vessel licenses, but I'm certain chimps are the first to take the test, only to ensure that it is indeed not passable to someone less than human. And while operating a boat is fairly simple, some take that simple task and cost themselves fortunes, both immediately and in the long run. Some people can even create enemies. Since I'm no mechanic, I'll leave the diagnostics and general boat care to the people on the boating message boards. This blog will highlight the atrocities found at a ramp near you...

There are several different types of boat owners one might encounter at the ramp...do you know any of them?

The "Yeah, I usually just keep my boat in the water guy, but I wanted to see these waters" Guy: This dude has a large boat. It probably has "bottom" paint on it. Often, it has a T-Top or a cuddy cabin and might exceed 27 feet in length. He also towed it to the ramp with his minivan and single axle trailer. Can he back a trailer? Yes, but not in a straight line. He won't use his mirrors and can't see over the boat. He's the guy with the driver's door open and his head sticking out...

The "Let's get everything ready before the boat is in the water" Guy: What a turd! These gentleman are the ones who wait until they have their boat in the ramp and then move all of their gear into the boat, while other anxious and waiting boaters watch him. Oh, and don't worry...while he's transporting his cheap styrofoam cooler full of the cheapest beer money can buy, you can also expect him to actually crush his cooler and spill it's contents across the lot. And yes - he'll pick them up while you watch. Fishing rods and tackle boxes?! You, too, can watch these come out in the worst tangle of your illustrious boating career, and henceforth watch him attempt to repair the tangle rods. And he always get his snacks out last...

The "Social" Boater: This is the guy that wants to talk the the boater in the other stall at the ramp. Did he catch fish? Oh yes. Millions. He'll even show them off, while your vehicle idles in wait. Did he kill ducks? Of course, even a special black duck that bears a striking resemblance to a cormorant. His problem isn't driving the boat or the trailer, it's his inability to quit flapping his lips...

There's more and it's to be continued. In a later edition, I'll include the "Perfectionist", the "Idiot", the "Dead Battery" guy, and some other remarkable characters. Either way...one's objective at the boat ramp is to put your boat in the water as swiftly and safely as possible...duh.

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